One of the key practices of repair we can all improve on is making clean apologies. Often when we’ve caused harm, even unintentionally, a rupture is created in our relationship with another person. In dominant culture it’s pretty common to just keep going and ignore those small ruptures. But if little harms keep piling up without being addressed, eventually they can break a relationship altogether – sometimes without us even being aware of why we drifted apart.

Getting into the habit of apologizing genuinely and freely when we’ve caused a rupture can help to keep our relationships secure. Apologizing also generally makes us feel better. It feels crummy to cause harm, even when it’s something as small as accidentally stepping on someone’s foot. Taking responsibility for our actions – or our complicity – lightens that load. Genuinely apologizing can soften and tenderize our heart when we’re feeling bad about something we’ve done.

When my children were growing up, we had a simple list taped to the fridge to remind us of how to handle harm we caused – to a person or to an object, lol!

• Tell the truth.
• Apologize face to face.
• Make it right, if you can.

We all still use that basic format because it served us so well: owning our part in the harm, saying we’re sorry without making excuses, and offering to make amends in some way when possible.

Sometimes we may find that we need to apologize more than once, even many times, and that’s okay. The more you allow yourself to apologize swiftly and freely, the easier it is to do, and the more secure your relationships will become.

Try it and let me know how it goes.

In love and care,